Sometimes I have to be left of the equation. Most times I, as a character, just don't fit in the sentence, in the word, in the world. Maybe it is the world that I should be left out of. Maybe I'm excess, maybe I'm unneeded, maybe I'm the turning point, I'm not sure. I've seen things, most people refuse to see. The bars that are cast in front of the sunlight, the dog that would gnaw on my flesh, the concrete that would hug me. Besides anyone who wants to hug my body, concrete is the only thing that would hug me as I am, that would accept me, not deny. I am excess, and, like the concrete of a never finished building, I am just here, for no purpose, because I'm just a part of something that isn't, and, most likely, will never be finished.

I am cold and there is wind, I am cold and there are barks that threaten to eat me alive, I am cold and there is an endless desire to be fullfilled, although I know I never will be.

I propably should fucking kill myself.

I'm sorry, guys. I really am.
I just have to be left out of the equation.

For both me and others.

Dear whoever the fuck reads this.

Go away, leave me!

Noose.

I'm having some absinthe in solitude. Not even sure what's worse, being alone or having people around. Both have their drawbacks.

I guess I should get something to eat. No idea what to do tomorrow. Sigh.


I've got some more points to add to my ''disappointed with people'' status. Oh, well.

Japan experiences massive earthquakes. Who else doesn't give a shit?

Yes, I know there are more than 100k accidents because of the earthquake. Yes, I know there are power and communication line failures. Yes, I know that some japs have died from the earthquake, too.
And I don't care!

But what I do care about is human stupidity. Especially if someone is stupid enough to call to people praying for Japan.

People that think prayers have ever or ever will change anything ought to be enslaved. Just saying.

I am you, you are me, you are I, we are us.

Dear reader, I would first like to introduce myself to you. I am you. Simple and, yet, at the same time, so very complicated, such is this concept, isn’t it? You’ve been raised your whole life to believe that you are only yourself, that you are inescapably tied to your name, family, social security number, your documents and so on, yet, what if this was not you all along, and in fact, the real you am I, trying to contact you through a text that never existed in the first place, but is merely an illusion, fabricated by your own mind, which you have come to trust more than anything else. And the equation is interchangable, dear friend, I am as much you as much as you are me.

But let us stop for a while and think on what we really are, shall we? Our name is not what we truly are, we could exist with another name or without it altogether, same with the security code and other things that we are forced to have by the government. We are also not our belongings, because those belongings weren’t always ours and will not belong to us forever. Some will be lost, some will be sold, some will remain. Another thing you propably thought of is the reflection in the mirror. But is the reflection truly a reversed image of us just because it is an image of our body? If we had another body, we would think that that body i sus, but, applying that reasoning, we are not allowed to choose what we are.

Now, that is, of course, quite false. We are, in the world of 21st century we live in, enabled to change, if we desire so, and not just change in the physical aspect. We can also change the undesirable personal traits that we find limiting or otherwise unpleasant, in order to reach some goal. So, in a way, our psyche is a semi-solid, yet semi-deformable thing. There are aspects we cannot, or aren’t willing to change about it, yet, there are so many aspects that we can change that the question of what we really are will propably never, ever be resolved.

Describing yourself as your profession is just silly, we know it, don’t we? I mean, we could lose our job together, or have another job, and when we lose the job, what are we then? What are we when we have no profession? There are, however, certain things we will always be. We are a bunch of cells squeezed together, forming an organism, we are an animal, a mammal, human, yet, I do not feel that the word human would describe me that much. I feel more of an animal than the illusion of human the society was trying to imprint on me, and I rest assured, that you have felt it, too, because we are the same.

Now, if you are me and I am you, then where is the self? What if there is no I, you, me, them, us, and even no we? Maybe, in fact, the whole existence is just a big, silly nothing. We will never know, if it’s a lousy plan or a bad joke, but certain things, propably, are to never be known. So, dear me ( I hope you don’t mind me calling us like that), why not just do things that we desire to? Why not just stop worrying, at least for a moment, look around at all the unpleasantness we see, and understand, that it is we, who’ve made it that way.

Dear reader, our life is here, right now, but we never know when it will be snuffed out. It might be a car accident tomorrow, it might be of a heart attack 40 years from now, it might be any moment, so, why not just do the things we desire to, instead of holding ourselves back and obeying to someone or something?

They don't care about you, so start caring about yourself, will you?

We have reached an official verdict, nobody gives a shit. The authorities and the government, most certainly, do not give a fuck about you, me and our peers. What they care about is staying in power, at least long enough to have themselves some nice and comfortable living. Nobody represents you, so why not represent yourself? Fuck all authority, cops, you can blow my ass.
Law enforcers, that's what cops are. They are not people guardians, peace protectors, moral inclinators or anything like that, they are law enforcers. The sole purpose of the existence of such a profession is jamming the cock of law deeper into your anus, and so that it hurts, yet, so that you would let that dick fuck you for a long time. If you don't see it, please, go jump off a bridge. What, however, seems ridiculous to me, is that, for some reason, cops really believe they are doing something good. Narrow minded, shallow idiots.
I have difficulty concentrating right now, 'cause my head is aching as if I have headbutted walls yesterday. This was not a waste, however, at least I think so.

Too.

Drinking alone makes me talk too much, do too little. Heck, too bad, I guess.

Soundcloud.

I am now registered on Soundcloud. Uploaded some tracks there, too.

Here's the Master Of Fear:


Master Of Fear by Paraphiliac

Squeeze.

Popping a pill is never hard. You just squeeze it out, place in your mouth and swallow. But when it comes to popping tens or hundreds of pills, it gets time consuming. Even if you know that the result is well worth the effort, it isn't quite as easy to motivate yourself to swallow the handful of pills you have prepared just for this exact ocassion.
And, not to forget, you also need something to wash it down with. Tea works well here, but so does turpentine, alcohol or any liquid household chemical you can find. The more toxic, the better.

The life is unfair, deal with it!

Life is not fair, get over it!

Why on earth do people bother bringing their own sense of fairness and justice into the real world? Yes, there are the blind, the crippled, the ugly, the fat, the miserable, the poor, the stupid (vast majority), and so on. That is how they are, and let them be like that. People should be only helped to be able to help themselves. If a person is unwilling to work/fight for what it desires, I assume the person does not desire it much in the first place.
Stop trying to make the world fair, you will never succeed! Sometimes horrible shit happens to people just for no reason and there is nothing you can do about it. Your compassion is rarely needed at all.
Speaking of compassion and sympathy, there's a reason  I don't like apologies. I just don't see the point. Why would saying something justify the harm done to a person? One guy in my school was insulting me for almost a year, and I have to admit, that by the end of year, he apologised, and, you know what, although I was surprised, for he was one of the few who actually apologised about that, I got angry. An apology is oftentimes nothing more as means used to get guilty conscience off of your back. If you have no guilt, you do not need the apology. Imagine you killed someone's wife, and then said to the person you're sorry for killing the wife, you think your apology would matter at all that much to the person that has lost a significant other? I think not.

Anyway, returning to the topic of life being unfair, let's mention charity, shall we?
Charity is fucking stupid. Period. I mean mostly the charity of giving something to the poor. Help those people help themselves and leave them the fuck alone. If a person is unwilling to do any work at all in order to get money, let the person take care of itself any way it can. If a person is crippled (say, it has lost several limbs), then let the person do the work it is still able to do, if not physical work, then mental work. By feeling sorry for those people, you are only encouraging them to feel sorry for themselves.

''But I lost my whole arm in a war!'' Too bad for you, however, I think you knew that it was possible when you went to the location of ongoing combat, and, since you knew the consequences and still decided to take on the risk, don't try to cause my compassion for your loss, which you could have prevented.
ANY loss that is sustained during circumstances in which the person perfectly knew it could have sustained (like, say, drunk driver gets into a car accident, a sportist suffers an injury, a person in a combat area loses a limb or dies), should not be felt sorry for, period. Why? Simple, because if the person knew the possible risk of the actions it was performing and was still willing to perform said actions, the person decided that the actions performed are well worth the risk.

My thoughts seem to have become way too chaotic lately. I can barely write any argumentation, instead, I seem to just make statements. What the hell is going on with me?

.

I have to admit.
Not easy to say it.
My being's mundane,
And I might be insane.

Marriage is unnecessary, ridiculous, and just plain stupid.

Marriage (or wedding, I'm not sure which word describes the ritual better), is stupid. Marriage is, a symbolic ritual, usually held between two people so that they show that they commit to the other person. Bunch of horseshit if you ask me.

If you really have feelings for the person, want to be with the person on a daily basis, have kids from that person and that person is willing to commit to that, just fucking do so! Why on earth would you need to set up an unbelievably fucking stupid and useless (and costly) ceremony that would last for one day for that? You don't.

Now, there is the religious type of marriage, which I will not even discuss, because religion is stupid and anyone who feels like having to prove something to a person, who allegedly died for the actions of every other human being that are considered immoral by a religious manuscript, can go jump off a bridge and hit their head on a railway. You deserve it and you should do it! Do it, the bible says you should!

The reason why marriage happens, from my opinion, is fear. Pure raw fear from the depths of human emotion. The people that require marriage to have an illusion of safety. An illusion that their partner will never leave them, especially if the two (or more) have children. If you are afraid the person might leave, it means you do not trust the person, in which case, you are not commited to the person enough to be having a marriage in the first place. It also means that you are pretty much an insecure and miserable fuck, and are hoping that this ritual will somehow be something at all significant. You cannot control the other person, no matter how much you would like it.

Another thing I would like to mention is that, well, intimate relationships are not bound to be only monogamous. It is, in fact, possible, to have a poligamous intimate relationship. However, there is a social stigma assigned to that, since most of the kids get raised on the idea of finding that one person to spend the rest of their lives with, which is rarely the case in the real life.

I would also like to give an advice to, well, mostly guys. Folks, if you are feeling horny, have a relationship, and tell the other person that you want sex and hear:"No sex before wedding," I really, really, really reccomend you to control your anger to try and not punch the person in the face, take all your belongings from that person, walk away, and never, ever contact that person again. I should have done it when I had my chance, don't make my mistake, you might end up being in a relationship with an insecure psycho.

Ghosts are stupid.

The concept of ghosts (and spirits, for that matter), just like any other superstition, is stupid. Ghosts are believed to be ''souls'' of (usually) people that either are unable to transfer into some sort of another plane of existence (in this case, an implication is made that there is such a plane), or are voluntarily staying on earth, usually near the place they died, whilst not having their physical bodies (and, thus, such ''beings'' could not have any sensations, at all), for some fucking reason.
The day anyone proves me that such thing as a soul exists and is actually of any use at all, I'm going to chainsaw my face off. Soul is a superstitious concept, made to reinforce the ideas of reincarnation, afterlife, ghosts/spirits and so on. Of course, people thought soul to be the driving force behind every action of a human being, but nowadays, we know that it's a bunch of impulses and muscle reactions and that, in fact, our brain is our ''soul'', for, our brain is what stores the vital information about our personality, makes us what we are. In a way, we are our body, but the brain is the part that is 'we' the most. Now, if there is no soul, then how could possibly a human (or an animal) become a ghost/spirit?
Another ridiculousness about this whole idea is that someone, in their right mind (or whatever you call it when it applies to ghosts) would want to hang around after death, whilst being unable to have any sensory perceptions (no body = no sensory perception) is just plain dumb. Imagine your existence not seeing, not hearing, not feeling, not anything. A sort of misplaced existence for an undefined amount of time . . . Without orgasms.
Now, the only somehow reasonable explanation for this ghost phenomena that comes into mind is that creatures might leave some sort of informational residue even after ceasing to exist. However, if such residue is made, it has to be stored somehow, thus, I suppose even this assumption doesn't make sense.
The real ghosts, spirits, whatever you call them, that exist, are the ones in your head.