Let me just start by saying that if your child starts raising himself with the help of the internet, that's sort of an indicator that maybe you never really were a good parent in the first place.
This is where I complain, and I'm going to do it as much as I can, since I'm sick of this shit. These are just things I'm generally dissatisfied with my family and just things that surround me.
First, my family is made of fucking imbeciles incapable of abstract thinking and understanding concepts that go against conformity towards sociocultural norms, every sort of deviance is frowned upon, even if the only justification that those fucks can muster up is their fucking indoctrination.
Second, I'm fucking sick of my mother. Bitch should have just aborted me back then and never asked for advice, would have done me a huge fucking favor. I think it's better never being fucking born than being born to a family of imbeciles, in a lousy relationship where your father is a fucking alcoholic that decides to leave your joke of a mother (and I don't really blame him, I wouldn't even go near a woman like that, unless I was really desperate) and your mother ends up with . . . Another alcoholic. Good thinking ma'! And to top it all off, despite the several fucking times after he got drunk whilst I was pre-school age and went off raging across the flat in tries of beating the shit out of me, she never got the clue of breaking the fucking relationship permanently. Yes, people can change, but, I think it shouldn't take 5 times of repeating the same fucking pattern to understand that maybe things won't just change by themselves.
Then, that bitch wonders why I have zero respect for her or her partner, when most of my childhood has been in the company of a person who was never pleased with anything a boy could do, unless that boy tried as hard as he could to fit the cultural male stereotype. Big fucking middle finger to you guys for that. Grow a left hemisphere and start actually setting your own values. Oh, right, it's too late since you're over your 40ies and you both are going to die sad, miserable, damn unhappy, and propably lonely as well. Boo-hoo.
How about the fucking time when the fucking raging prick wen nuts after me not wanting to use the mirror in one room just because I rather used another one near my bed so that I could at least comb my hair without being judgementally watched and the fucker ended up beating the shit out of me and I went with a big-ass bruise on my eye to the school and ended up telling everyone I got into a fight, because I was fucking embarrased to admit that this was done to me at my home, the very place where I should fucking be safe?
Oh, and guess what my mother did about that? You guess right, she did nothing. Weren't we a nice, happy fucking family? :)
Fast forward a few years, when I'm already a turd with low confidence trying to get close to people cause I've been alone most of my life and I can't really do that because I have no self-worth or any good social skills. Of course, there was a saviour, in a way, I had a computer, and that was a way to get things off of my mind, since I could focus on videogames and not the fucking misery going on around.
But that would be too good if I was just left alone at that machine, right? Rather than that it was a better idea always trying to deny the only actual pleasure I could really get at home (besides watching some of the shows on TV back then, which was incompatible if the fucking prick wanted to watch something else. Guess what, I didn't like that shit nearly as much), then terrorize the kid for not spending time outside when the kid literally has no friends whatsoever and the closest thing to a friend at that moment is someone he has never even met who just happened to offer some simpathy over the internet. And at times when the kid does go outside, you just try to restrict him from doing just about anything that is entertaining.
Then, after a few years of abuse at home, abuse and harrasment at school just because you're a fuck-up and you're not really as wealthy or as cool as the other kids around you attemts to fix things come into play. A lesson gets learned and new values are set, mistakes are made and the whole thinking changes. And when you just think that maybe things are going to be somewhat good again, guess fucking what? We've got a surprise in store for you. Todays special: a duo shitstorm, because when told to go to sleep, you took your .MP3 player and decided to listen to some music. I can barely remember the whole fucking night, but I remember how I, all tensed up and shaking and imagining the idea of killing my stepfather for years prior to this moment, ran into the kitchen and grabbed the knife to get rid of that cunt once and for all.
It doesn't take that much to make someone hate you so badly he wants to kill you. When one of the most comforting thoughts you have in your mind is of someone being dead, I think it's a safe indicator that there is a problem going on.
Of course, for a while, things get somewhat okay, but then, it all blasts off again. What the hell does one do when one cannot feel really safe anywhere? There is no place like home in that situation, there's just a sleep-rally.
Fast forward a little more. You're a depressed ball of self-loathing, guilt, grief and pathetic is one of the words that could describe you just about perfectly. Your mother then wonders, why would you want to kill yourself, when there is SO MUCH to fucking live for. Sure, but by far, I haven't liked what I've had, give me another fucking menu.
I think this more or less clears things up for people who wonder why at times I get apathetic and depressed and claim that maube life isn't really worth living. If this isn't convinving for you, it definitely was for me.
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